


Kiss me and tell me it's not broken.

by kyoloren



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben's touch hurts other people but Rey is immune, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Prompt Fill, Social Worker Rey, Soft slice of life, They're definitely soulmates, librarian Ben, touch starved ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:21:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyoloren/pseuds/kyoloren
Summary: People don’t touch Ben Solo. It ranges from a serious pinch to a full blown seizure, but every person who touches him gets hurt.He’s a master at avoiding everyone.Until her. She’s dancing on the street and smacks right into him... and nothing. She even smiles.She’s immune.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 127
Kudos: 611
Collections: Galactic Idiots Collection





	Kiss me and tell me it's not broken.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from “To You I Bestow” by Mundy
> 
> Based on [the prompt](https://twitter.com/galacticidiots/status/1272253011151204352) by @galacticidiots/BensCalligraphySet
> 
> Lightly edited by me, sorry for any mistakes. I hope you like it Fran!

It started when Ben was born, but no one noticed it at first. A mild discomfort, a prickling of the skin when holding the baby, stroking his thick head of hair or chubby cheeks. Elongated touching left his parents exhausted, especially his mother as she held him to her chest and he suckled milk from her breasts.

He got older, and it got worse. A pain like touching a hot stove, jolting and painful, when his father's hand rested on his head for too long as they read a bedtime story together. The painful pinches and twitches and yelps. People could touch him through clothes as a kid, but even that stopped.

Soon, no one could touch him if they didn't want to feel pain. Ben felt nothing out of the ordinary about his skin, but it was a curse, something doctors couldn't explain, something that he heard whispers about from the estate's help, who said it had to do with Leia's odd old religion. She had had a tough pregnancy, and they thought she had sold some part of her soul—or his—so that he would be born healthy.

Ben didn't know what to believe, but he grew up surrounded by love but forever out of its grasp.

It was too much sometimes, to even be around people. He holed up in his room, preferring online friends to those in person. No one wanted to be his friend in school, not after he tried holding hands with a girl in school and she ended up having a seizure so badly that she ended up in the hospital.

He was a freak, dressed in black, covered as much of his skin as possible, and felt completely cut off from the world around him.

His life was hard and it didn't impact just him. He was responsible for his parents deteriorating relationship and he was not immune to the fact that his father lived in the east wing of the house when he hit junior high rather than the west wing with him and Leia.

Online, he could be whoever he wanted to be, and he made friends that way. It wasn't the same, but it was better than nothing. He couldn't hurt anyone through a screen. Not physically at least.

He befriended someone named Poe on a D&D forum and they set up online versions of the game that were clunky but fun. By the time he'd reached high school, Poe was his best friend. His teachers at school were afraid of him, but less so than the students. Some even gave him special attention, knowing he was a friendless freak. One of them, Mr. Jinn, often chatted with him after English class and offered lesser known classics he thought would be in Ben's interest.

They usually were.

Ben could only read Frankenstein so much, no matter that it was his favorite book of all time. He could relate so much to the monster that he often read passages and cried into the cuffs of his shirts about it the first few times he read it..

The only reason Ben went to college was because Poe said he'd be his roommate. They'd been friends for seven years, since they were 11 when they shouldn't have been on the forums they were on but they were anyway. Ben's parents were thrilled, and made sure the accommodations would suit Ben's particular needs.

Ben moved in early so he didn't have to worry about a dormitory filled with too many people. The college was old school and the dorm rooms were enormous. One half was more than enough space for Ben, who brought his extensive classic's collection and his mountains of clothes and a single desktop computer that was his parents' gift to him.

When it was time for his parents to leave, Ben stood there longing for a hug, but instead he watched the glistening tears in his mother's eyes glint in the light through the window. Leia walked close to him and tilted her head to look into his face. He was exceptionally tall compared to his petite mother.

She smiled at him, sad and bleary, and her hand hovered over his heart. "I love you, Ben," she told him proudly.

"Love you too, Mom," he said, voice thick.

She barely rested her hand against his outer layer of hoodie and he could see a little bit of pain behind her eyes.

It made him feel like shit, but at least it told him she _wanted_ him.

He saved his tears until they were gone and then he lay in bed, trying to figure out how this would work. He was dreading telling Poe about his affliction, hoping that their long friendship would make up for any weirdness.

He had two days alone, wandering the school, figuring out which buildings and rooms his classes were in while the campus was nearly empty. It was nice, but as people started to form lines to move in on that third day, his anxiety went through the roof.

He was glued to his phone, rereading his favorite Edgar Allen Poe fiction to calm himself down. His phone buzzed multiple times and every text was from Poe. Ben curled up in bed and waited until the door swung in and there he was, in the flesh.

"Ben!" Poe exclaimed and headed through the room toward him. Ben scooted into the far corner and Poe hesitated.

"Hey," Ben said weakly. "Glad to finally meet you face to face."

"You bet." Poe looked at him oddly, but then he turned and helped his parents move his stuff inside. Poe had a few suitcases filled with clothes. That was most of what he brought.

Ben stayed on the bed, though he was polite to Shara and Kes Dameron, but didn't shake any hands like any normal person would do. He did smile and wave at them, but he couldn't offer to take them around campus since there were too many people and he could bump into any one of them.

They left after a while, and it took an hour for Poe to return. Once his roommate was back, Ben relaxed on the bed a little, though his hands gripped the covers of his book tightly.

Poe grinned at Ben and rubbed his hands together. "Free at last," he said with a little wicked chuckle. "So what's up man? How awesome is this?"

"Pretty awesome," Ben said weakly as Poe pulled out his desk chair and plopped down in it. "I've got to tell you something."

Poe arched an impressively thick eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. And I should get it out of the way now before it gets even weirder."

"If you're gay, that's totally fine, man. I support you."

"Uh…no, but thank you," Ben said and he meant it. If he were normal, he thought he'd like to kiss girls and guys, but he couldn't tell if that was true or if that was just his desperation for touch talking. "I can't touch people."

Poe blinked at him. "Why not? Is it a germ thing? I'm kind of messy, but I'll try to clean up."

"No, no." Ben put aside his book and sat up on the bed, facing Poe. "I literally _can't_ touch people." He had never tried touching animals, his parents hadn't allowed him to because it was cruel if the same thing happened to them. He could touch flowers and plants without any negative reaction. He liked walking in his grandmother's gardens and running his hands over leaves; it was some of his only quiet relief in his otherwise stressful life.

"Really? Why?"

"I hurt them."

"How?"

"Like physically. If someone touches me, they feel pain. So I don't touch anyone. Ever."

Ben was ready for the rejection, the anger, the renouncing of their friendship, but that wasn't what Poe did.

"Seriously?"

Ben nodded.

"Fuck." Poe sat back and ran a hand over his overly hairsprayed hair. "Shit, man, that fucking sucks."

Ben relaxed just a little. "Yeah. That's why online friends were…are…better. But I'm glad you're here."

"Me too." Poe smiled at him. "Kind of sad I can't give you a hug but I think we'll move past that."

Ben really wasn't sure what to do with the tight feeling in his chest except that he thought it was a good thing and not a bad one for once. "I hope so."

And that was that. Ben finally had a friend who wasn't terrified of him.

Poe was everything Ben wasn't, but they got along just as well in real life as through a screen. Ben had never had someone who was so ready to come to his rescue or defense, especially when he wore clothes head to toe, including gloves every time he left the dorm. People were bound to make comments, but Poe was always there to give them a piece of his mind.

And he didn't make Ben feel like a burden like his parents did. _Somehow_ Poe managed to go to parties and stuff without Ben and then bring back that energy to their room and they'd do things Ben liked to do: board or video games with illegally acquired alcohol.

Poe never tried to drag Ben to anything that he knew he wouldn't want to go to, and yet Ben never felt like Poe was pretending to be his friend.

It was all new for Ben but he was thankful that his first instance with a friend turned out to be a good one.

College continued going and going and going. Ben sailed through with fantastic grades, taking some of his English classes by storm with his quiet but thoughtful additions to the conversations within the small classes.

By the time senior year came, Ben had gotten very good at not touching people. He had learned how to be around people but not touch them. He gave off the air to leave distance and most people picked up on that, otherwise he'd tell them and they would stay a few inches away.

People in college were a lot less mean than kids in middle school.

As a celebration for making it to senior year, Poe took Ben out to lunch in town. They got a booth so Ben could have a whole side to himself. To keep his long legs in line, he did as he always did, stacking one foot on top of the other under the table. He took off his gloves so he could eat his burger without getting sauce all over them.

"Can you believe we did it?" Poe asked.

"I know how I did it, but you did _you_? Party animal." Ben scoffed and shook his head, taking a big bite of his burger.

Poe rolled his eyes. "Excuse you, mister. Not all of us had completed 90 percent of our reading for our major before classes even started."

"I like books." Ben stabbed at him with a fry.

"And I like animals, but I haven't gone around studying them for years before becoming a vet."

"I don't know how you handled a medical degree on top of all your partying."

"I don't party that much."

Ben gave him a cynical look and finished off his burger. "I'm impressed, is all."

"Thank you." Poe picked up his glass of soda and tilted it in Ben's direction. Ben lifted his glass—filled with lemonade—and they cheered and drank.

By the time they left, the main street outside the restaurant was packed. Ben froze on the top stair of the building before he shuffled to the side so no one would shove past him.

Poe gaped at the street. "How the fuck did this happen?"

It looked like some sort of parade was going on, except it was just people on foot, no trucks or cars. But there were _a lot_ of people.

"Shit." Poe dragged his hand through his hair and glanced over at Ben, who was trying to become one with the brick column next to the restaurant door. "If we stick to the sidewalk…I'll walk road-side and we'll cut through the off campus housing and get away from the main stretch."

Ben knew that Poe took his condition seriously. So seriously, in fact, that he'd never ever asked to touch Ben "just to see what it was like". Some people did that in high school. It fucking sucked.

"Okay," Ben nodded slowly. He walked on the grass, as far away from people as possible.

Poe walked on the sidewalk, a one man shield. They walked a few yards before Poe grabbed someone from the fray and asked what was going on.

"It's a Pride party, man," the person in a tie-dye shirt said. It was then that Poe and Ben noticed an inordinate amount of flags of many different colored stripes. "Same-sex marriage just became legal in the state!"

Poe paused and Ben did too.

"Nice," Ben said, his nerves making him all stiff and irritable. "It's about time."

"Yeah, for sure," Poe said, distracted.

"If you want to join them, I'll be fine. I'm almost at the split off and I'll cut through on my own." Ben never wanted to stop Poe from living his super extroverted life and he knew this was a big deal.

"No, no, I'll get you back safely."

"If I jog, I'll beat the crowd."

"If you jog in three layers of all black you will have a stroke," Poe said sharply. He sighed and nodded toward where the road split around a town square that was really a triangle. "C'mon."

Ben walked faster than Poe, heart hammering, blood rushing into his ears. He didn't hear when Poe got stopped by a few of his friends. He didn't notice that some people were also cutting across the grass.

Someone bumped into him really hard from behind, like they'd been shoved and he froze, stepping away, waiting to hear the curses or yells of pain. But the person followed, stumbling, clamping hands down on his arm to catch balance. Ben sucked in a sharp breath.

"Shit, shit, sorry!" a female voice said. She got her feet under her and Ben found himself looking down at a pretty face covered in freckles. She was still touching his arm. She was _smiling_ up at him. She wasn't writhing in pain.

She was…immune.

"Hey," she said a little softer, probably because he was white as a ghost. "Are you okay? You're wearing a lot of black. You should get out of the sun." She squeezed his arm and he thought he may actually faint.

Someone called her name and she let go of him.

"Sorry again!" She smiled one more time and then jogged off to a gaggle of girls who all put their heads together and laughed about something.

Poe came running up and skidded to a halt beside Ben. "What—Ben, buddy, what happened? Did she touch you? Are you okay? Is she okay?"

Ben blinked himself back into reality. "She—I didn't hurt her."

"What?"

"She touched me and I didn't hurt her." He could still feel the warmth and press of her hand on his arm, his body tingling where she'd slammed into him first, the imprint of her shoulder on the back of his ribs.

"Fuck, really?"

"Yeah. _Poe_." He didn't know what his face said—desperation or fear or longing or some shit like that. He glanced around wildly but the crowd had swallowed the girl up. He didn't even know her name.

"Come on," Poe said, shoving his hands into his pockets, a habit he'd gotten when he became friends with Ben, so he didn't accidentally touch. "Maybe we can find her later. Let's just get back to the room before they're swarming the dorm."

They did not find her. Ben searched all semester and the next and never saw her. There were plenty of pretty brunettes at school, but none of them were _her_. He would never forget her face.

He even thought about her when he jerked off, which he didn't do often because it usually made him feel like shit. But knowing that she could touch him—that there was _someone_ in the world who could touch him without feeling pain—made him feel good. Fucking into his hand felt _good_ for the first time in his life.

He had to find her. The universe was not cruel enough to have them meet and have her taken away.

But he didn't.

He didn't find her and then he graduated. He never forgot her, and wished he'd just caught her name. Then he'd have someplace to start.

He and Poe kept an apartment in the city as he continued veterinary school and Ben started working at the old archive library. It had a small staff and didn't call for much physical contact. Plus, he could wear gloves all day and no one thought anything of it.

Years slipped by and Ben got pretty comfortable in his life. It was better than twelve year old Ben could have ever expected.

They'd just gotten a new donated collection that needed manual inspection and cataloguing and Ben was more than happy to sit behind the long reference desk and keep an eye on things as he did that so he'd be there if anyone needed help. There was just one other person working today and they were in the deep stacks, kept in a temperature controlled room in the basement.

On any given day, a number of students came into the building, historians and teachers as well, and a fair amount of writers looking for research. Ben liked having a desk between him and them so there was no chance that they'd touch him.

Today, he didn't look up as someone came in and walked softly over the old wood floor, making it creak. It was a wholesome and calming sound for Ben, who was leaning over a volume with a well trained eye, carefully flipping through the thin pages.

The newcomer creaked around for a little while until finally coming to a stop in front of Ben.

"Hang on just a second," he said, eyes on the book in front of him. The person did, rolling back on their heels and making the floor groan underfoot. Ben managed to get just the right light and make out the faint production date at the very bottom of the front page, nearly completely faded out. He scribbled it down on a piece of paper where he was cataloguing everything and then looked up.

It was her.

She was older—obviously, it had been nearly six years since they'd bumped into each other on the street—and not dressed so outrageously this time. Her hair was short and she was wearing a nice floral dress, hands gripping the leather strap across her chest.

"It's you," he breathed out, getting to his feet.

The woman tilted her head to the side. "Sorry?"

Even the voice. His skin seemed to burn from where she'd touched him all those years ago. "You—" his throat was dry. He cleared it. "You went to Chandrila U."

"Yeah. Did we have class together or something?"

No, they'd met just the once. "I think it was a party," he half-lied. A little white lie never hurt anyone, did it?

"Oh okay. Well, I'm Rey." She offered her hand, tanned and bare, over the desk.

Ben stared at it. If he was wrong, he could hurt her, but a selfish part of him had to try. He kept his gloves on—they were dusty from the collection so he quickly patted the palms together to get rid of as much dust as he could—and held his breath as he shook her hand.

She had a firm grip and she smiled at him. No sign of pain.

He almost fell back into his seat. He had found her. Well technically she'd found him, but here she was. And he could _touch_ her.

"And you are?" Rey prodded, letting go of his hand.

"Right, sorry. I'm Ben. Ben Solo. Are you here looking for something in particular?" He slid into work mode to cover up his complete and utter shock.

It turned out that she was looking for local history about deeds and land ownership. She was trying to help out one of the many immigrant communities in the city and someone had suggested coming here.

Ben spent far longer than usual with her, going over the sections that pertained to what she needed, pulling ledgers and maps. He asked her if she was a lawyer, and she said no, she was a social worker, but the lawyers who worked with her office were swamped so she hoped to do most of the work for them.

It was admirable, and Ben couldn't help but start to build a picture of her in his head. He'd started in college, but it only got as far as her face and her voice. Now he had a name and a piece of her life.

When he told Poe that night, his friend acted as he expected.

"You need to ask this girl out immediately."

"No." Ben shook his head.

"Why the fuck not?"

Ben frowned. "It's—it would be selfish as fuck. I can't make her go out with me. I'm not that kind of person."

"But man, what if she's _the one_. She already passed the first test. This is like some fairytale, soulmate shit." Poe waved his beer bottle emphatically at Ben.

"If I get the chance, I'll just get to know her first," Ben explained. Poe pushed for a little while longer, but finally relinquished Ben's decision, as if it had ever been Poe's choice to begin with.

Ben was touched—metaphorically—that Poe wanted him to have someone. He was twenty-seven and he'd never even kissed anyone before. The last time he'd touched someone with romantic interest he was eleven. It hadn't ended well.

It was _a lot_ for Ben to process. His body literally didn't know what to do with the input of information from his skin about being touched. He couldn't find the words to talk to Poe about it. He could barely fathom it himself.

Rey returned to the library the next day and Ben continued to help her. He stayed away from her like he did with everyone. It was natural. But it was also natural for her to offer a touch. She brushed her fingers against his arm to thank him for bringing over a new ledger and it sent electricity rolling through his veins. He had to turn around and flex his hand because he swore his fingers seized up.

She kept a smile on her face whenever she met his gaze, her eyes a beautiful hazel that shifted from brown to green depending on the lighting. He could tell that her kindness wasn't just all talk. He could see it in those eyes.

He stared at her a little bit too much, but she never said anything, offering him soft smiles.

She kept coming in for a full week, and Ben slowly got to know tidbits about her life. On the last day, he couldn't help but be saddened when she told him that she found everything she needed for the lawyers. They were standing by the desk. This time, Ben was on the same side as her, standing in front of her.

"Thank you for all your help, Ben," she said, eyes nearly sparkling. "I feel like I owe you. Can we meet for coffee sometime? Maybe this weekend?"

She glanced at the desk beside her and grabbed a sticky-note and pen, scribbling down her name and number on the paper. She pulled it off, the sticky part attached to her finger and offered it to him. "Text me and I'll save your number. Okay?"

Ben wordlessly took the note. "Okay. I will," he said in what he hoped was a confident tone.

She squeezed his arm before she left, leaving him to sway and lean against the desk as she disappeared through the ornately carved front door.

Ben waited until the end of his shift to text her, sending a simple, **Hi, Rey. This is Ben.** He drove home then and checked his phone on his way up the stairs.

 _I was so hoping you'd text me, Ben! I hoped I didn't scare you off_.

Ben frowned and typed another message, pausing on the concrete stairwell that no one used except for emergencies. Or if you were trying to avoid being squished in an elevator with people. **Why would you scare me off?**

He stared at the typing bubbles as he kept walking. _Because you seemed very lonely and hesitant and I didn't want to frighten you. But I really would like to get to know you_.

Ben was floored. He didn't think he was all that interesting, and he couldn't remember offering up too much information about himself during their conversations this week. Maybe he had and he didn't think about it. Hell, maybe she was interested in his _personality_.

 **I'd like to get to know you, too.** He texted back before he could talk himself out of it.

She sent a smiley face and then _Coffee on Sunday? I can send you an address_.

**Sounds perfect.**

Ben didn't really know what else to say and didn't want to overstay his welcome in a text conversation so he left it at that. Poe was gonna be so proud.

Saturday went terribly slowly, but it gave Ben time to pull himself together. He tuned out Poe after a while, who was going on and on about dates and the greatness of kissing and sex and all that. Poe had, thankfully, kept most of those details to himself in college, not wanting to rub Ben's face in the fact that it was something he could never have. But now? Now Poe was without a filter.

Ben appreciated his enthusiasm, but that was so far off Ben's radar that he stopped paying attention after just a few minutes. If he nearly passed out when Rey squeezed his arm, he couldn't even think about _kissing_ her _._

(He did think about it, but this was the first time there was a real possibility about it.)

When Sunday came, it started with a good morning text from Rey and an address. They were meeting at ten which gave him time to shower and change his outfit—he had stopped wearing all black after college; sometimes he even wore blue—five times before he went back to the first choice. He put on gloves for the initial getting there, but was already psyching himself up to take them off once they were at a table.

With well wishes from Poe, Ben headed to the cafe. It wasn't too busy, but he still used all his well-known tactics to stop from bumping into people. He was only wearing one layer of clothes which meant that the pain would be even worse if they touched him accidentally. He ordered through his phone to avoid the line and sat down facing the door.

Rey came in a few minutes later, looking sunkissed and gorgeous. She spotted him right away and came right over. "Hi," she said, breathless. She gripped the edge of the table and Ben thought for half a second she was going to kiss him, but she just dropped her bag on the chair. "I'm gonna go get my drink."

He watched her in line, wanting to follow but staying put. She returned and had his too, saying it had just gotten finished when she got hers. She set both down on the table and settled down.

Ben sipped his coffee. "How did the research go over? Was it helpful?"

Rey nodded. "It was! The lawyers are gonna look over it this weekend and I hope they'll be able to stop the rent inflation and evictions."

"I hope they do," Ben said and he meant it. He'd taken his gloves off already and he reached for the cup with bare fingers. He was rarely without gloves unless he was eating, showering or sleeping. He even wore them at home. So it was always novel to feel things against his skin, even the cheap porcelain of a mug.

"It's good to see you out of that dim lighting in the library," Rey said, also sipping her drink. "I mean, I love that library, but it's dark."

"To preserve the books," Ben told her. "It's nice to see you outside of work."

She beamed at him.

"I don't do this often," Ben blurted out next, ruining it. One of his hands was clenched in a fist on the tabletop next to his mug.

Rey reached out and set her hand against his.

Ben took in a shaky breath and closed his eyes, willing away the tears that threatened to fill his eyes. Her skin was warm and soft, with slight calluses where she held a pen often, probably due to her work.

"Hey, are you okay?" Rey asked, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb. His fist loosened and his palm fell open. She slid her fingers over and held on.

"Yeah," he got out, opening his eyes and digging into them with his thumb to hopefully staunch any tears. Overwhelmed was an understatement. "Shit, sorry."

Rey squeezed his hand and Ben felt it in his heart. "What's going on with you?"

He looked at her. _Really_ looked at her. Here was this gorgeous, kind person and he was about to slap her with his freakishness. But he didn't want to lie to her. He tried squeezing her hand a little and his heart skipped.

"I have to tell you something," he said, trying to keep his tone serious but light enough that it wouldn't scare her. She nodded. "We met before. Just one time. It was in college and there was a huge parade at the beginning of the semester celebrating the legalization of same-sex marriage."

"Oh! I remember that. Wild. There were so many people."

"Yeah. You bumped into me."

She waited a beat. "Was that it?"

"Yeah. You bumped into me and then ran off to your friends."

"Doesn't sound that eventful." She looked at him hopefully, gently.

"I…Rey." He shifted in his seat and took a deep breath before he put his other hand on top of hers. The sensation sent chills over his whole body. He gently moved his fingers up her wrist to her bare arm. "I can't touch people."

"You're touching me."

"Yeah, that's the amazing thing." He drew his eyes away from his hand on her skin to her beautiful eyes. "All my life, when I touch someone, or they touch me, they hurt. Deep physical pain."

She frowned.

"But you—you bumped into me and grabbed me arm in the street years ago and you didn't scream in agony. You smiled at me."

He couldn't fight the tears now. They rimmed his eyes.

But he could make out Rey's face. She tilted her head and smiled so softly. "And I couldn't find you all year. I wish I did. But then you walked into my library."

She squeezed his hand again. "What are the odds?"

He blinked his eyes clear. "I—I don't usually tell people about that. It was always too good to be true. I mean, I haven't told anyone but my best friend about you." He paused and swallowed. "Do you believe me?"

"I—I think it's horrible if you lived your life without being able to touch people. And I believe you. I can see it on your face." She added her second hand to their pile, gently running her fingertips over the back of his upper hand. "I'm so sorry you've had to live your life like that."

"It's all I've ever known." Ben searched her face for pity or something like that and found nothing. "I don't want you to—You shouldn't _have_ to—You don't have to feel like you…owe me anything just because." He took a shaky breath as Rey slipped her fingers under the cuff of his shirt and pressed against his wrist.

"Ben. Nothing forced me to ask you out to coffee."

"I guess not. But I'd understand if you wanted to go. I know this is a lot."

She shook her head. "I think it's brave that you told me. Thank you." Regretfully, she retracted her hand. The second her touch was gone, his body went into overdrive. Maybe it was good to take this slow.

"You still want to get to know me?" he asked, putting a shaking hand around his mug. It was tiny in his hand.

"Yes," Rey said determinedly. "I really do."

So they did. They talked over coffee and took a walk through the park. Rey held his hand through his gloves, which he put back on for security. He didn't talk about his affliction any more. Confessing on the first date was enough.

They ended the date with a second already planned.

They went out to dinner, even though Ben hated going out to crowded places. They ate quickly and then Rey took him to one of her favorite spots just outside the city. It was empty of people and he took off his gloves and touched her face. Her skin was soft and welcoming and his hands shook the whole time.

"I—I don't think my body can process this much stimulus at once," he told her with a stuttering breath.

Rey leaned into his touch. "We can take it slow. I don't want to overwhelm you."

She kissed his inner wrist and Ben saw stars.

The next time they saw each other, he kissed her. He didn't wait for the end of the date, he _needed_ it. He took her smiling face in his palms and tilted her head, pressing his lips softly against hers.

It was pretty good for his first kiss ever.

She wrapped her hands around his wrists and kissed him again and again until he couldn't breathe and they parted.

"Why hello to you too," she said with a smile.

Weeks passed and they got into a rhythm that suited them. Everything was inching forward every time. A bit more body touching, a bit more skin. The first time he went to her place to make dinner, he'd taken his shirt off. It wasn't the first time. She ran her hands all over and he marveled at the feeling of it.

But then she took her shirt off also and the feeling of her warm, smooth skin against his was too much. She apologized and tugged her shirt on, cuddling gently against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head.

It took a few more dates for him to be able to fully enjoy the feeling of her bare chest against his. It was a momentous occasion when she brought his hand to her naked breast and he felt the softest skin he'd ever yet felt. He massaged them with his fingers and palm and even kissed her skin and nipples, sucking a little and drawing moans from her. She tugged at his hair and he felt a tiny bit of pain but it was coupled with pleasure.

It was a few more weeks before he touched the space between her legs, wet and hot. She told him just what to do, showing him with her words and her hands guiding him. He wanted to savor every new sensation, not just his own skin being touched by her, but what he could touch _with_ his hands, having spent so much of their lives encased in gloves. He had been missing a lot.

When they were finally naked in bed, she ran her hands all over him, pulling shuddering breaths from him. She gently ran her fingers up his legs and over his thighs, resting low on his pelvis but avoiding his cock, which wasn't all that impressive right now. His body was too tense and overwhelmed, but she didn't mind. She kissed his chest and cuddled next to him, tossing her leg over him.

The first time she did actually touch his cock, it was like nothing else. She ran her hand along his swollen glans and he bucked into her hand. It wasn't like he'd never touched himself before, but everything was different when it was another person. He couldn't even form words, and she knew him well enough now to just settle her hand low on his shaft and not move, letting him get used to the feeling. He ended up getting soft in her grasp and they didn't do anything more but cuddle.

He repeated again and again how much he didn't know what he did to deserve her but how she was the greatest thing to happen to him.

He sometimes stayed and slept in her bed, fully clothed the both of them, just to give himself a break. But they'd cuddle together and Ben didn't think he'd ever been happier.

"I love you," he murmured against the back of her neck, face in her hair, nine months into it all. He thought maybe he'd waited too long to say it, but he didn't know how it was supposed to feel and he wanted to be sure.

Rey twisted around to face him and gently ran her hand along the curve of his ear, brushing the backs of her fingers across his jaw. "I love you too," she said and leaned up to kiss him.

She returned to her spooning position and he let the pillow soak up his silent tears. He didn't think he'd ever be able to say that to another person while _holding them_ and it was all too fucking much. But in the best way. Like everything else with Rey.

It was almost a year on the dot before he could finally kiss her fully and touch her and spread her with his fingers to bury his cock inside of her. He thought he'd be ready, but Poe had told him over and over that even for a dude who could feel everything, the first time was intense.

He was right.

But Rey was patient and touched him and spoke to him and he managed to slide in and out of her, relishing the feeling, adjusting to it slowly without coming undone. He kissed her and kissed her and she curled her thighs around him and let him come without doing much for her.

She told him over and over it was okay, that she loved him and he cried like every other time he felt something new with her. She cried a little too and they slept curled up around each other.

He still had to be careful in public, but the searing loneliness in his life was etched away. He had _someone_ , a person who he loved who he could touch without hurting, and while it was just one small person, it meant everything to him.

He'd never thought it possible, but here she was, all bright smiles and freckles and fresh flowers and so much energy. She could deal with all of his shit, all of his baggage, and she accepted it willingly and helped him.

She didn't think he was a burden, and she wanted to spend her life with him. It was more than he could have ever, _ever_ hoped.

"I love you," she said in the morning and the evening, when one of them got home from work, after they brushed their teeth.

"I love you," she said, kissing his nose, his fingertips, his freckles, his neck.

She used the words more often than Ben was ever used to, but he believed her every time.


End file.
